Years have gone by and the dust has collected on this little internet diary. This is like my bad habit of starting diaries and never filling all of the pages. At least, when I catch up on Tumblr, my hand doesnt cramp up trying to fill in those blanks. Mindinthebuff will attempt to be more active for my own sanity. Shit has gone down. You always wonder as a kid what kind of experiences adulthood will bring you, and you could never imagine in your wildest dreams what does end up actually happening. 2 am and Im here, and Im blogging… Doesn’t seem like there’s much going on, but part of coping is procrastinating on what you need to get done isnt it? I’ll try to throw more thoughts out there sometime after I finish college in two months. Glad I dusted this off. If anyone cares!
Painted a board for #gramandpopskateshop :) (Taken with Instagram)
I’ve noticed lately that I hesitate about a lot of things. Too many things actually.
-Whether or not to correct my professors awful awful ignorant mistakes in his particular pedagogy.
-Whether or not to be defensive towards people closest to me in the moments in which they really hurt me, bother me, or just in any way offend me.
-Whether or not I should tell someone that their actions recently have been bothering me in all of our encounters.
-Whether or not to question my authorities.
-Whether or not I should speak up on certain need that even I want to make judgments on.
-And my favorite,whether or not I should or shouldn’t take something/project/person in my life so damn seriously.
Surprisingly enough, those have come up time and time again recently. I know I’m not the only one who hesitates. I also know that sometimes it is just tactfully best to hesitate in an instinctual impulse moment. Lately, I just dont know where to draw the line. When people are not respected by others in terms of their intellectual, or social intelligence it is for two reasons:
1) The person lets themselves get stepped on because they don’t want to offend anyone or get into a quarrel that might end a friendship or create tension.
2) The person NEVER hesitates to say what they want on the impulses they have in any given situation.
Notice the polar opposites? Happy mediums aren’t easy to find.
Where the hell do we draw the line on things? I’m troubled by the inconsistencies. That whole “pick your battles” cliche is totally getting to me. I’m stumped on what to pick. I just keep finding myself acting like a door mat. Not because of reason number 1…. but because I just don’t know yet how far I should allow my habit of hesitation go!
I don’t want to conclude: “Oh, well you should just not hesitate it when it gets you so worked up, that you just need to explode.” Because frankly, I dont like big explosive conversations. I don’t like unnecessary awkwardness. When I hesitate, it is that so hopefully one day, it can be spoken about civilly. I’m not sure I completely like however, that I let things slide for the moment.
Sometimes I’m too tactful. (I’d like to call it two faced when how I act is totally inconsistent with my thoughts) At times, I feel like the good ‘ol Bree Van De Kamp.
I’d like to see what I can do about suppressing my impulses every single time. Hopefully I wont get in too much trouble experimenting. I am just tired of this intense habit to hesitate.
"We shall find that nothing done with intelligence is done without speech, but logos is the marshal of all actions and thoughts, and those most use it who have the greatest wisdom."
You hold back for the greater good.
You’re heart drops, but you cant do a thing.
You know whats right, and it stings the whole time.
You trust, but hate the situation.
You’re helplessly hoping that you’re going to be okay.
I say that people don’t hide what/ who they are. It’s a habitual thing now to hide your feelings, your angst, your troubles and your concerns in order to make other people happy. YOUR GOAL IN LIFE CANT BE TO MAKE OTHERS HAPPY! The only way you could make others around you (that love you) happy to be around you, and commit in any sort of relationship with you, is for you to be happy with who you are and how you are first. I tried to hide, and I ate shit on the way down. (of course this happens internally as when you feel down all the time… similar to depression but this is definitely not a chemical thing.. and is something you can totally fix with the truth) I had unexplainable pains in my soul. And i didn’t know that it was the little things i “lied” about that were eating away at me. Whether it be every day or, when things are uncomfortable.. its never the right thing to do.
Mr. Silverstein’s poems always get to me, but this one really got me. Lately, I’ve attempted to hide, I’ve attempted to not show what was real in me. How can I ever expect to get a good relationship in hiding myself away? Relationships not only take effort, sacrifice, and love… but they also require that you are just one big “mind in the buff” the whole way through. The other person cannot help you, know you, love you, or be in any relation to you if they don’t know the truth of your soul. You must accept that who you are is just fine in this universe. It’s not to say that this is an easy task. I struggle with the truth every day. I struggle with admitting things honestly.. to myself let alone other people. You have to be who you are in order to attract, love, and recognize people that are just like you. Then you come to the realization that the other people in your life will most likely know where you’re coming from.
Being “fake” about little things builds up to a grime of one big lie. It doesn’t seem so as you push down that little nuisance feeling every once in a while, but the reason its there in the first place is so that it can escape in a healthy way.. not an explosion. Not to say im the “all wise one”, but lately, the hiding has become too much. So, im just going to be letting off this steam little by little, and slowly I will be a purer self to myself and to the relationships im in. There is no quick fix. It’s as my dad says: “It has to be a radical lifestyle change”.
Oh how i love tea parties <3